Beautiful and Dirty Rich
by assonymous
Summary: Santana makes a living by mugging people. The first time she does a big job, an ex girlfriend steals from her.


"NOBODY MOVE OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!" That's Santana Lopez, not that the poor bastards in the jewelry store know it, but still, every time she robs a place, she likes to say to herself 'I'm Santana Lopez and I have a shotgun.' "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" She yells at the freightened woman, who was ready to use the panic button. "Juno! Grab all the shit your fat ass can carry!"

"Stop calling me Juno!" That's Quinn Fabray. A year ago, if you would have told Quinn to dress in tight leather and wear a mask of Teddy Roosevelt, she would have told you to go fuck yourself. But things changed one night, when she realized she was fat and it was all McDonalds' fault. Working at McDonalds made Quinn want to kill herself, the only good thing was stealing McNuggets. It was all Santana's idea, she was the one to mention they should rob a bank. Of course they didn't do it, they showed up with water guns at McDonalds and stole forty bucks. This jewelry store was their first big hit, so they were kind of nervous. "Use my code name! I like it when people call me that"

Santana groans to that, but she doesn't have a choice. "Fine! Hot mama!" Santana almost drops her shotgun when Quinn gets ready to smash the glass with her gun. "Don't smash the fucking—" Too late, the alarm goes off. "God damn it, you stupid cow!"

"IT'S HOT MAMA!" Quinn yells while taking all the jewels. "Alright, let's get out of here!" Quinn and Santana run out of the place and enter a white van, sliding the door shut. The white van takes off, the license plate reads FUCKYOU.

_1 month ago…_

_Quinn kicks open the door of her trailer, wearing her McDonalds uniform. She goes to a small room to find Santana sleeping. Next to her, Quinn's newborn daughter, who still doesn't have a name, sleeps peacefully in her crib. Quinn decides to let them sleep, so she sits in the small couch near the entrance and turns on the TV._

_This is one of those rare moments Quinn is actually grateful she has Santana in her life. When they moved in together, they both worked all week to afford the expenses. But when Quinn's daughter was born, Santana agreed to work five days a week and Quinn agreed to work two days a week; that way, they wouldn't have to pay a babysitter. They tried to pay for a babysitter, but Santana slept with her and Quinn almost killed both of them. Anyway, Quinn is really grateful to have Santana in her life, because even if Santana is a bitch, she is really good to her daughter._

_Quinn wakes from her day dreaming when Santana sits next to her. "Hey."_

"_We're going to get evicted." Santana says while looking at the TV_

"_What? Can they actually kick us out of this shithole?"_

"_Yeah. They can."_

"_Santana, I have a daughter. I can't afford to be homeless."_

"_After you left, she was starving and we were out of milk."_

_Quinn's eyes widen at this, Santana is so fucking careless sometimes._

"_I left her alone for a few minutes with the baby monitor on, I—"_

"_We don't have baby monitors." Quinn interrupts Santana. _

"_That's what's so great about this Quinn. Yesterday, I crashed into a baby shower. I stole the baby monitors."_

"_You stole a pregnant woman's presents at her baby shower?"_

"_Yes."_

_"That is fucking mean"_

"_I know, but listen. This morning I went out to buy some milk for your nameless baby, and I spent the money on cigarettes."_

_Quinn slaps Santana hard in the face. "You fucking bitch! You are a shitty girlfriend, Santana Lopez. I might as well go back to the baby's father!"_

"_You don't know who the father is!"_

_Quinn rolls her eyes and looks at Santana, waiting for her to finish her story._

"_Anyway, I realized I couldn't just leave the baby like that. So I walked into walmart, grabbed the milk, and I fucking ran out."_

"_What?"_

"_Yeah, you should have seen me. I mean, I kind of passed out after I left walmart_ _because of my lung thing, but they weren't even following me"_

"_Well, that fixes our hungry baby problem. But what about our house problem?"_

_"Quinn, you always talk about how much you hate McDonalds because their food made you fat. We are going to rob those motherfuckers, and we are going to pay the fucking rent."_

"_Yeah, but there's something I have to do first."_

"_Quit your job?"_

"_Not really, I love stealing the McNuggets." Quinn admits._

"_So what do you have to do?"_

"_I'm going to get my daughter back."_

_Since that day, Quinn Fabray calls herself Hot Mama, and Santana calls her Juno, Baby Fat, Fat Ass, and everything that is offensive. Santana is a terrible girlfriend._

"What the hell happened?" Mercedes asks, frantically driving the van, even though nobody is following them.

"Juno blew it!"

"Oh please, Santana, we all know it was your fault. Couldn't even be bothered to use my code name!"

Mercedes rolls her eyes when Santana pinches Quinn, and Quinn pinches back. They pinch each other for about two minutes until Mercedes pulls over. "Alright, I think we lost them."

"Nobody was following us" Quinn says.

"Yeah, that's what they want it to look like."

Quinn and Santana roll their eyes. That's Mercedes Jones and her conspiracy theories. Mercedes involvement in this was actually accidental. After the girls failed big time at McDonalds, they decided to give it a try at a bar. The epic fail with McDonalds was that they forgot to designate a driver, that's what they think at least. So, when Santana ran into Mercedes they became good friends, and a week later, Santana and Quinn asked Mercedes to wait for them while they ran an errand.

_1 week ago…._

_Mercedes looks at her watch, it's been twenty minutes since the girls walked in that bar. Luckily for her, waiting time is over._

"_Run baby fat, run!" Mercedes turns to look at Santana running towards the car with at least five bottles of liquor, then sees Quinn jumping with her pants down her ankles._

"_Stop calling me that!" Quinn falls and tries to pull her pants up, while Santana opens the back door._

"_Hey Mercedes, that was—OH SHIT!" The bartender shoots at the car with the shotgun._

"_Malditas putas, creen que pueden venir a joder mi negocio robandome mi guaro. Jodanse perras!"_

_Quinn tries to button her pants, but somehow the pants shrunk. "No, no, perdon. Perdon! PER-DON!" She attempts to reason with the Puerto Rican who owns the bar._

"_Ahora si te Jodi, perra!" The man takes aim at Quinn; she closes her eyes, she hates herself for not being able to button her pants before dying. "Oh, I see the light at the end of the road"_

"_The fuck are you talking about, Quinn?" Quinn opens her eyes to see the man lying unconscious, and Santana looking at her._

"_Erm, nothing."_

"_Well, pull up your fucking pants and let's go!"_

_After a ride of yelling, drinking, trying to button Quinn's pants, and counting money, Santana convinces Mercedes to help them out after she gives her her cut. Since that day, Mercedes is known as Big Mac._

The girls step out of the van, checking if there is someone else in the alley. There isn't.

"Alright, this is where we're supposed to meet him." Mercedes says, looking around.

"I still don't know why we're doing jobs for a pimp."

"He pays good money." Santana answers. "And he has nice whores."

"Shh! There he is." Mercedes takes a look at the three figures that walk toward them, they are three men. Two of them are big, fat, and pure muscle. The one in the middle is little and walks like a girl.

"You have my merchandize?" The little one asks, clearly making a macho voice that isn't his. Santana hands him a few diamond necklaces, and can't help to laugh. The guy is short, wearing a cape? Not only a cape, it's apparently made of fur. He constantly pushes his sun glasses because they are too big for his face. "Nice. I like these. By the way, my name is… erm… Canario"

"Canario? Is that your real name?" Santana asks.

"Well, I guess it depends."

"Depends on what?"

"It just depends! Ok?"

Santana looks closely at this pimp; she's never seen him before. A few weeks ago, when he hired them, he always sent one of his whores to deliver messages and money. Something about him is oddly familiar, though. "Do you have a code name?"

"A code name?"

"Yes. We all have code names, do you?"

"Erm, sure! What kind of pimp would I be if I didn't have a code name? My code name is… erm… porcelain."

"Porcelain?"

"Yes, porcelain. Lady Porcelain."

"Oh, okay."

Lady Porcelain nods at the girls and disappears in the alley. The three of them stare at him while he walks off, he is fucking weird.

"HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM, BITCHES!"

Out of instinct, Santana drops the remaining jewels and raises her hands. She slowly turns around to see a woman pointing a gun at them and a guy next to her. They both have masks, but the woman's blonde hair is easily seen by Santana. "What do you idiots think you're doing?" Santana asks.

"Shut up, cunt, before I shoot your fake boobs!"

Santana turns red. "Listen to me you fucking bitch," Santana yells at her. "I am going to go all Lima Heights Adjacent on your ass!" Santana fucking hates when people talk about her fake boobs, wait how does this bitch know about it? "Fucking whore." She yells

The guy walks to Santana, pointing his gun at her. He takes all of the jewels and goes back to standing next to the blonde.

The blonde woman throws the gun at Santana and flees with her partner. Santana takes quite a hit in the forehead. "Fucking bitch!" Santana yells, watching as the woman trips and curses the dumpster that caused it.

Mercedes is the one to break the ice. "I don't believe it."

"Fuck!." Quinn yells. "They took everything! What the fuck are we going to eat now? I'm gonna have to steal the McNuggets again." Quinn pretends to be upset, she loves to have an excuse to steal the McNuggets.

Santana rubs her forehead. "Shut up Quinn, we have to get it back"

"How are we going to find them?" Mercedes asks.

"I don't know!" Santana snaps. "Fucking blonde cunt."

Santana and Mercedes hear a popping noise, and they look accusingly at Quinn.

"What?" Quinn asks. "It was a long breakfast, okay?" She says at the verge of tears.

Santana covers her nose. "We have to talk to Sylvester, she might know who those shitheads are."

"There's only one person that can tell us how to find Sylverser." Mercedes says.

"Who?"

Mercedes looks down, not being able to say the name of 'her who shall not be named'

"Oh no, not her."

"Santana, this is the only way!"

"Please, Mercedes, anyone but her! She terrifies me. After graduation Quinn and I swore we would never answer her phone calls or open her emails."

"If we want to find Sylvester, she is the only one that can help us."

"Who are you guys talking about?" Seriously? Quinn hasn't realized it?

Santana rolls her eyes at Quinn's obliviousness. "It's Berry. Rachel Berry."


End file.
